Mark your calendar, Burger King’s terrifying green hamburger comes out WEDNESDAY

burger king green burger

Say hello to the “Nightmare King”

Burger King has a menu that you could kindly call “rotating”. If Burger King was a person you remembered from High School, they would be the “trend chaser”, showing up in wildly different outfits from month to month, trying desperately to fit into whatever lunch table group would have them.

Burger King will try anything, and their offerings often have a slight veneer of creative marketing flopsweat. “What do people like? The Whopper, right? How about, uhhh…little Whoppers? We’ll call ’em Burger Shots! Huh? Right? Chicken’s big…how about making them into fries? While we’re at it, throw some mac n’ cheese in the fry-making machine. Dust ’em with something! What’s that in the box over there? Cheetos? Crush them up, dump them all over! I don’t know, just do it! What else do these damn kids eat?”

It’s out of this kind of “throw it to the wall” mentality that brings us BK’s newest offering for the Halloween season. And we’d venture to guess the sight and ingredients of this sandwich packs more scares than any new Saw sequel could.

Say hello to the “Nightmare King”. Much like a dream that Freddy Krueger might trap you in, it might seem like a normal fast-food sandwich, but then you realize something is terribly, terribly wrong. Let’s unpack this affront to nature, layer by layer.

THE BUN:

This is what really hits you first, visually. Your standard sesame seed flecked white bread bun, but it’s green. It’s very, very green. Not a light-hearted Kelley green that you might find on a St. Patrick’s Day, but a dead-eyed stagnant bog green. Not to be coarse, but if you were going to make a “Fart Green” crayon, this would be the shade. Burger King had a similar novelty bun last year, when they released a burger with a black bun, but that has a kind of spooky chic to it. This looks like a warning to your body. It is widely speculated to make your poop green as well, a fact I have no reason to challenge anyone on!

THE MAIN EVENT:

Have you always dreamed of eating three different kinds of animals in just one bite? Well, this is your lucky day, you monster! It’s a protein holy trinity of a 1/4 pound burger, fried chicken filet and three big old strips of bacon, all stacked up and congealing together. “Gosh”, you may be thinking to yourself, “that sounds like something that might stop my heart in its tracks!” Well ,buckle up cowpoke! Tying all this together is…

THE CONDIMENTS:

American cheese. Raw onions. Mayonnaise. Two kinds of dairy and the most stomach-gurgling vegetable topping known to man, holding together fried meats like a suicidal captain lashing themselves to the mast of a downing ship. Thus completes the aptly-named “Nightmare King”.

As of this moment, the only real images we have of the Nightmare King is a sickly hand reaching out to take the burger for themselves, perhaps looking to cut their suffering lives a little shorter. The promotional copy makes the 100% not verified claim that ingesting one will increase the likelihood of having a nightmare post-eating.

That’s a hell of an ad campaign! When do we get the milkshake boasting that drinking one increases intense depression? Or the mozzarella sticks that promise the death of a loved one?

You can’t help but admire Burger King’s we’ll-try-anything approach to getting attention, (This writer just spent about 600 words on it, so you got me good, BK.) and if you want to tempt fate and the demons of sleep, you can purchase your own Nightmare King starting October 24th.

Supplies are limited, as are the days of our lives. Don’t forget to take a picture of your green hamburger for social media, but please, spare us photos of the aftermath.